Our Show for Ringo Starr

NARRATOR- Once upon a time, a long time ago: Oh it must have been

ages- so long ago I can't remember it. There lived

this handsome prince. well, not particularly handsome in fact, though

bits of him were handsome. I mean, where do you draw the line? I mean

some people find long flowing blond hair and a retrousse nose very

handsome. I don't personally, If

I had to I'd say I prefer the sort who's dark stocky and good at

math.-- Anyway this prince whom some people probably found attractive

was out walking in the woods one day when he fell off a cliff and died

very messily, which prevented him from living happily ever after. But

his great great great great great grandson worked in an office.

RINGO-Look just leave me alone will you.

N-Well I haven't finished yet.

R-Yes you have you aren't necessary. I think I'll have some coffee

N-And after that typically boring remark about coffee which can't

have interested anybody ... Our heroes life suddenly became very interesting

(Intro) Children often want every toy they see in a magazine. This is an example of the human inability to resist the power of suggestion. It is used to convince others to do things they had absolutely no desire to do. This form of persuasion along with a submissive personality and a big ugly nose can have disastrous results. Our Show for Ringo Starr by Graham Chapman. 

R-What was that about my life becoming interesting?

N-It's all right I know when I'm not wanted.

R-Look, how does my life become interesting?

N-Well I was going to explain to you how you became amazingly rich

and popular and had as many girls as you wanted, but you made it clear

to me that I'm not wanted. so I'm off.

R-Look stop here a moment will you?

N-allright

R-Well, what happens?

N-Wait will you...

ROBOT-Are you Rinog Trars

Ringo-No, but its close.

R2-Rinog Trars I have been sent by our masters in the galaxy of

smegmon to pass on to you the ancestral powers of your race, the

Jenkinsons.

R-I think you've got the wrong bloke

R2-my circuits are infallible. There can be no error.

R-But I'm not Rinog Trars, I'm Ringo Starr

R2-That's what I said.

R-No it isn't.

R2-Shut up its near enough. I've had a hard day. Come with me.

R-I can't I'm not free till five, you'd better see the boss

R2-oh, allright..... Hello are you the boss

R2-This man must come with me he will inherit great powers.

B-oh well, not in working hours I'm afraid. You see, he's not free 

till five.

R2-If you free this man I will give you the whole world.

B-Mmm, tempting but I mean its

in a bit of a financial mess at the moment. I don't want to find

myself spending the whole weekend sifting through the socio-economic problems of the indian sub continent, or miss Sunday afternoon's golfing by averting war in the middle east. I mean thats not what I call a bargain.

R2-Well, what would you like then?

B-Canada?

R2-And so you shall

B- Oh thank you very much (Ringo and robot leave)

R-Right can I have my powers please?

R2-Are we alone

R-Hang on.... Money!

R-We're alone

R2-And so the powers.....(flash)

R-Are you sure you've given me the powers?

R2-Yes.

R-They're a bit dull aren't they?

N-And so it was that he was given dull powers. powers so ineffably

dull that by comparison

R-Can you do anything about narrators?

N-Dullness itself aghhhhhhh!

R2-You are now free to travel through time and space at will.

R-Any other powers?

R2-Yes you can go into nightclubs, write situation comedy and you can

do quite nice flower arrangements

R2-and merely by doing this (waves hand) you can destroy the entire 

universe

R-What just that

R2-We must now proceed to the customs office

Customs officer- Anything to declare?

R-What do you mean? I'm traveling through time.

CO-And where have you come from?

R-Mid 1970's

CO-and where are you going to?

R-uh ancient Rome.

Co-got any cameras, 

explosive weaponry, American magazines, heating appliances,

hamburgers, telescopes, zips, artificial kidney, penicilin .

pepsi-cola, barbeque sauce or laudromats

R-No! Can I get off to ancient Rome now please? I've been given the

power to travel through time an space.

Co-oh, you've been given the power to travel in time and space.

And I suppose you're Rinog Trars and can destroy the universe just

like that!(hand wave)

R-Well, I'm not him but I can destroy the universe just like that

Co- Oh he can destroy the universe. He just thought he would mention

in passing that he could destroy the universe.

R-I just want to go through customs.

N-And so the narrator bearing no grudge with no trace of resentment at the way he’s been treated comes back to say the story has ended

R-We haven’t finished yet

N-and so the narrator didn’t say anything for several days

R-Look, get on with my story will you

N-And so our hero decided to go back to ancient Rome

R-When did I decide that?

(some indication of time travel)-voosh!

R- Have we been marching long?

Soldier-Since dawn

R-Have we got much further to go?

S-Be careful. You’re in enough trouble already.

R-Why?

S-You’ve been talking all morning.

R-I have not (whip) Is he always like this? (whip) Right I’ve had enough I’m getting out of this. (Voosh!)

R-Where am I? Starship Ron-B fleet unit three pod seven-telephone sanitisor class four

Captain-I expect you popped in for a gin and tonic

R-uh yes, that would be nice Uh, where is this ship going?

C-Well, the ship’s programmed to crash straight into the sun. 

R-Won’t we all be killed?

 C- Err-Oh I hadn’t thought of that. Those cunning bastards! (runs off)

R3-excuse me, I think you’ve got some powers of mine.

R-Are you Rinog Trars

R3-Yes, and can I please have my powers back?

R-Fine you can have them. (electric discharge between them)

R3-Cheers and thanks for the powers

R-Goodbye Rinog it was nice meeting you

R3-Goodbye Ringo (waves)

R-You shouldn’t have done that

R3-Oh I forgot about that. Sorry universe

Our Show for Ringo Starr

 NARRATOR- Once upon a time, a long time ago: Oh it must have been

ages- so long ago I can't remember it. There lived

this handsome prince. well, not particularly handsome in fact, though

bits of him were handsome. I mean, where do you draw the line? I mean

some people find long flowing blond hair and a retrousse nose very

handsome. I don't personally, If

I had to I'd say I prefer the sort who's dark stocky and good at

math.-- Anyway this prince whom some people probably found attractive

was out walking in the woods one day when he fell off a cliff and died

very messily, which prevented him from living happily ever after. But

his great great great great great grandson worked in an office.

RINGO-Look just leave me alone will you.

N-What

R-Push off!

N-Well I haven't finished yet.

R-Yes you have you aren't necessary

R-I think I'll have some coffee

N-And after that typically boring remark about coffee which can't

have interested anybody ...

N-Our heroes life suddenly became very interesting

(Intro)

R-What was that about my life becoming interesting?

N-It's allright I know when I'm not wanted.

R-Look, how does my life become interesting?

N-Well I was going to explain to you how you became amazingly rich

and popular and had as many girls as you wanted, but you made it clear

to me that I'm not wanted. so I'm off.

R-Look stop here a moment will you?

N-allright

R-Well, what happens?

N-Wait will you...

ROBOT-Are you Rinog Trars

Ringo-No, but its close.

R2-Rinog Trars I have been sent by our masters in the galaxy of

smegmon to pass on to you the ancestral powers of your race, the

Jenkinsons.

R-I think you've got the wrong bloke

R2-my circuits are infallible. There can be no error.

R-But I'm not Rinog Trars, I'm Ringo Starr

R2-That's what I said.

R-No it isn't.

R2-Shut up its near enough. I've had a hard day. Come with me.

R-I can't I'm not free till five, you'd better see the boss

 R2-oh, allright..... Hello are you the boss

R2-This man must come with me he will inherit great powers.

B-oh well, not in working hours I'm afraid. You see, he's not free 

till five.

R2-If you free this man I will give you the whole world.

B-Mmm, tempting but I mean its

in a bit of a financial mess at the moment. I don't want to find

myself spending the whole weekend sifting through the socio-economic problems of the indian sub continent, or miss Sunday afternoon's golfing by averting war in the middle east. I mean thats not what I call a bargain.

R2-Well, what would you like then?

B-Canada?

R2-And so you shall

B- Oh thank you very much (Ringo and robot leave)

R-Right can I have my powers please?

R2-Are we alone

R-Hang on.... Money!

R-We're alone

R2-And so the powers.....(flash)

R-Are you sure you've given me the powers?

R2-Yes.

R-They're a bit dull aren't they?

N-And so it was that he was given dull powers. powers so ineffably

dull that by comparison

R-Can you do anything about narrators?

N-Dullness itself aghhhhhhh!

R2-You are now free to travel through time and space at will.

R-Any other powers?

R2-Yes you can go into nightclubs, write situation comedy and you can

do quite nice flower arrangements

R2-and merely by doing this (waves hand) you can destroy the entire 

universe

R-What just that

R2-We must now proceed to the customs office

Customs officer- Anything to declare?

R-What do you mean? I'm traveling through time.

CO-And where have you come from?

R-Mid 1970's

CO-and where are you going to?

R-uh ancient Rome.

Co-got any cameras, 

explosive weaponry, American magazines, heating appliances,

hamburgers, telescopes, zips, artificial kidney, penicilin .

pepsi-cola, barbeque sauce or laudromats

R-No! Can I get off to ancient Rome now please? I've been given the

power to travel through time an space.

Co-oh, you've been given the power to travel in time and space.

CO-

And I suppose you're Rinog Trars and can destroy the universe just

like that!(hand wave)

R-Well, I'm not him but I can destroy the universe just like that

Co- Oh he can destroy the universe. He just thought he would mention

in passing that he could destroy the universe.

R-I just want to go through customs.

N-And so the narrator bearing no grudge with no trace of resentment at the way he’s been treated comes back to say the story has ended

R-We haven’t finished yet

N-and so the narrator didn’t say anything for several days

R-Look, get on with my story will you

N-And so our hero decided to go into the future

R-When did I decide that?

(some indication of time travel)-voosh!

R-Where am I? Starship Ron-B fleet unit three pod seven-telephone sanitisor class four

Captain-I expect you popped in for a gin and tonic

R-uh yes, that would be nice Uh, where is this ship going?

C-Well, the ship’s programmed to crash straight into the sun. 

R-Won’t we all be killed?

Err-Oh I hadn’t thought of that. Those cunning bastards! (runs off)

R3-excuse me, I think you’ve got some powers of mine.

R-Are you Rinog Trars

R3-Yes, and can I please have my powers back?

R-Fine you can have them. (electric discharge between them)

R3-Cheers and thanks for the powers

R-Goodbye Rinog it was nice meeting you

R3-Goodbye Ringo (waves)

R-You shouldn’t have done that

R3-Oh I forgot about that. Sorry universe

Our Show for Ringo Starr

NARRATOR- Once upon a time, a long time ago: Oh it must have been

ages- so long ago I can't remember it. And my friend Godfrey who's 37

can't remember it so it must have been a long time ago. There lived

this handsome prince. well, not particularly handsome in fact, though

bits of him were handsome. I mean, where do you draw the line? I mean

some people find long flowing blond hair and a retrousse nose very

handsome. I don't personally but then all opinions are subjective. If

I had to I'd say I prefer the sort who's dark stocky and good at

math.-- Anyway this prince whom some people probably found attractive

was out walking in the woods one day when he fell off a cliff and died

very messily, which prevented him from living happily ever after. But

his great great great great great grandson worked in an office.

RINGO-Look just leave me alone will you.

N-What

R-Push off!

N-Well I haven't finished yet.

R-Yes you have you aren't necessary

R-I think I'll have some coffee

N-And after that typically boring remark about coffee which can't

have interested anybody ...

R-It's you again I thought I told you to push off

N-Our heroes life suddenly became very interesting

(Intro)

R-What was that about my life becoming interesting?

N-It's allright I know when I'm not wanted.

R-Look, how does my life become interesting?

N-Well I was going to explain to you how you became amazingly rich

and popular and had as many girls as you wanted, but you made it clear

to me that I'm not wanted. so I'm off.

R-Look stop here a moment will you?

N-allright

R-Well, what happens?

N-Wait will you...

ROBOT-Are you Rinog Trars

Ringo-No, but its close.

R2-Rinog Trars I have been sent by our masters in the galaxy of

smegmon to pass on to you the ancestral powers of your race, the

Jenkinsons.

R-I think you've got the wrong bloke

R2-my circuits are infallible. There can be no error.

R-But I'm not Rinog Trars, I'm Ringo Starr

R2-That's what I said.

R-No it isn't.

R2-Shut up its near enough. I've had a hard day. Come with me.

R-I can't I'm not free till five

R2-I will free you.

R-Well you'd better see the boss

R2-oh, allright..... Hello are you the boss

Boss-I'm sorry I can't see anyone without an appointment

R2-This man must come with me he will inherit great powers.

B-oh well, not in working hours I'm afraid. You see, he's not free 

till five.

R2-If you free this man I will give you the whole world.

B-Mmm, tempting but on the balance I think probably not. I mean its

in a bit of a financial mess at the moment. I don't want to find

myself spending the whole weekend sifting through the socio-economic problems of the indian sub continent, or miss Sunday afternoon's golfing by averting war in the middle east. I mean thats not what I call a bargain.

R2-Well, what would you like then?

B-Canada?

R2-And so you shall

B-Oh thak you very much (Ringo and robot leave)

R-Right can I have my powers please?

R2-Are we alone

R-Hang on.... Money!

R-We're alone

R2-And so the powers.....(flash)

R-Are you sure you've given me the powers?

R2-Yes.

R-They're a bit dull aren't they?

N-And so it was that he was given dull powers. powers so ineffably

dull that by comparison

R-Can you do anything about narrators?

N-Dullness itself aghhhhhhh!

R2-You are now free to travel through time and space at will.

R-Any other powers?

R2-Yes you can go into nightclubs, write situation comedy and you can

do quite nice flower arrangements

R-That'll be useful

R2-and merely by doing this (waves hand) you can destroy the entire 

universe

R-What just that

R2-We must now proceed to the customs office

Customs officer- Anything to declare?

R-What do you mean? I'm traveling through time.

CO-And where have you come from?

R-Mid 1970's

CO-and where are you going to?

R-uh ancient Rome.

Co-got any cameras cigarette lighters, 

explosive weaponry, American magazines, heating appliances,

hamburgers, telescopes, zips, buttons, artificial kidney, penicilin .

pepsi-cola, prawn ommelettes,  griddle

cakes barbeque sauce or laudromats

R-No! Can I get off to ancient Rome now please? I've been given the

power to travel through time an space.

Co-oh, you've been given the power to travel in time and space.

CO-come here. He's been given the power to travel in time and space.

And I suppose you're Rinog Trars and can destroy the universe just

like that!(hand wave)

R-Well, I'm not him but I can destroy the universe just like that

Co-Oh he can destroy the universe! He just thought he would mention

in passing that he could destroy the universe.

R-I just want to go through customs.

N-And so the narrator who bore no ill feeling despite having been given the boot nevertheless selflessly, bearing no grudge with no trace of resentment at the way he’s been treated comes back to say the story has ended

R-We haven’t finished yet

N-and so the narrator didn’t say anything for several days

R-Look, get on with my story will you

N-And so our hero decided to go into the future

R-When did I decide that?

(some indication of time travel)-voosh!

R-Where am I? Starship Ron-B fleet unit three pod seven-telephone sanitisor class four

Captain-I expect you popped in for a gin and tonic

R-uh yes, that would be nice Uh, where is this ship going?

C-Well, the ship’s programmed to crash straight into the sun. 

R-Won’t we all be killed?

Err-Oh I hadn’t thought of that. Those cunning bastards! (runs off)

R3-excuse me, I think you’ve got some powers of mine.

R-Are you Rinog Trars

R3-Yes, and can I please have my powers back?

R-Fine you can have them. (electric discharge between them)

R3-Cheers and thanks for the powers

R-Goodbye Rinog it was nice meeting you

R3-Goodbye Ringo (waves)

R-You shouldn’t have done that

R3-Oh I forgot about that. Sorry universe